I dreamed alot about Traveling to this city … i always wanted to live this experience in real : spending the christmas holidays somewhere near the Arctic . I binge watched Reels on Tiktok from Randoms telling their own stories and adventures about being here etc. i got so excited, did binge shopping with still open bills just to keep myself warm and safe and feel the vibes and enjoy this “once in a life time experience” But, i honestly cannot feel the vibes … 😂 People here are the nicest and the greatest. Helpful community. Modern city. Amazing cold weather just like how i like it. But, i just cannot feel the vibes … is the city overrated ? Did i have a lot of expectations ? Am i depressed because it is the time of the month ?am i lonely ? Or maybe it is because haters keep harassing me ?! Dude , your eyes are following me everywhere and when when i catch your gazes, you lean in to kiss your girl ? Duh , just some random old guys! My brain should stop this overthinking or otherwise i am gonna … wait ! Is it over thinking or over thinking ? Is there a space in between or not ? Who gives a shit, it is my body, my soul , my sins, oh no! This meme just came in my mind now while i am trying to be serious. I need help. Maybe i should take medications , maybe i should seek help from a licensed professional and not a wise man. But , i have personal preferences , i like them tall and masculine. Right, you got me right in this.Masculine. But ,there is something missing beside this. A number: the age , the character, the profession ? I don’t give a fuck about what you do in life. Oh that little cute spanish accent. Alejandro might be the perfect match for me, or even Omar , or Ahmed , or Ali or Kai or Hakan or Andrea . And no, i am not a lesbian dear friends. Andrea in italy is a masculine name. Peter ? Vijali… sumit. Whatever…see how my mind keep jumping from one topic to another ? Didn’t i say earlier i need help ? Why i am talking about this now ? I have zero feelings for my ex disgusting therapist and i am not saying it because of the way he ended it. It is because i needed a serious help. I did not want anyone to pour gasoline on my fucked up traumas and anxiety. I feel numb. Just Like a bored woman lying ubderneath her husband waiting to orgasm. Because he do nothing but put some bucks in her bank account everyone and there. And if she is lucky, a soul maybe …
I can get a job easier than finding a man. How i am supposed to know if i can conceive or not ? Oh no, i leaned in to check out the temperature of the arctic, there were a huge audience behind me 😂 could you please stop over analysing every single word and the smallest spontaneous movement i do ? Could you please stop harassing me and instead take my rejections and NOs for granted ? Don’t underestimate me or my weakness … dear brain. Calm down… because i am the greatest actress you could meet in your entire life . Oh no. STOP IT … it is a random day at the school… i am reading Oliver Twist and wondering why they expose us to this misery at such a young age. Little did i know , almost 20 years later i would sit alone somewhere near the Arctic ocean and think about those moments. Flashbacks they call them… there is a reason why all those wiped and hidden memories are coming to me again and i relive them in vivid dreams. After this i am gonna be so depressed. I planned for this trip since too long … when i go back , i am gonna feel shit for sure. I just need to sleep, no one else this morning had to cross the Tromsøbrua but me. I am active most of the time but i am exhausted . The tornado is here, but it is been since too long. This 5 minutes dream in 2019 had costed me a lot… i am not sure how long it will take me to stand up and have a voice , put boundaries, say No, and live my dreams for real…

Dear Zainab, you are being hard on yourself , 35 years old soon … it is not my fault, never was, never will … what are you talking about ? What are you doing … I do not know …

I don’t want your attention or compliment.. i want a normal life … quietness … safety … privacy …

Everything is wrongly and extremely violated . I cannot handle this anymore … i have no clue and no idea … I do sometimes hate myself for not learning from the lessons earlier than now. But i don’t know what to do … long story short , Tromso is overrated, overrated just like how my whole life is over abused and violated, like how people are oversharing about what i do. STOP IT, keep quite, don’t talk about it . Who would put a stick in their butt holes. Sorry. But i do feel things, i can read people’s minds, i feel their energy and emotions. And i am scared …. Angel or a satan ?! I do not know …

What i have been texting about ? Nothing … random thoughts, not serious jokes, funny wordpress blog, but behind this there is a confused mind, a worried soul, a scared body, a lonely little girl trapped inside of me …

If i marry an Arab , i will make sure to name my daughter Ghalia … if i marry a non-Arab i am gonna name her Pia 🧁

Now i know why do i feel like this … but i need to sleep … my chain of thoughts are inconsistent … but who gives a shit … tomorrow is a new day, i am gonna go to have a Warm bath in the Arctic 🤍 what else ? Not sure … but you gonna hear from me sooner or later … i don’t owe anyone anything, I am entertaining you for free … your favourite free entertaining material … everywhere … and for free… my ego won’t let me beg for likes and follows. I like it simple and Authentic . The louder , the emptier, the shallower, but who cares … it is cashless everywhere in Tromsø, so i am going to sleep and wake up early and make it to the city and have a breakfast … i hope the bus will come faster than my steps over that long bridge … Thanks god … WordPress doesn’t have any 1000 words restrictions. I can keep writing & writing …

35 years old soon and i feel great … finally mature … consistent … and ready to take whatever challenge on the way …

Dear Tromsø, you were the most random decision i took in 2025 … but i am grateful, and i stand straight and hard with both legs on a solid floor …

I thank god for putting amazing people on my way, Respectful and helpful. without those kind people i don’t know what would i do …

Dear people , dear readers, dear haters and even non-useful stalkers … dear admirers , openly or secretly … Thank you for being here and making me learn how to live life correctly …

Tomorrow is another day … i have to hold my horses and calm down my emotions and try to have a little bit of sleep … Merry Christmas everyone …and Happy Holidays .

Tromsø

26.12.2025

Zainab