Part 1

Lissabon 26th May 2025

The day is finally here , Monday, the 26th of May 2025. I have been waiting since too long , I always wanted to be there and it was like a dream coming true. something in the Bucket list is hacked and accomplished,I am going for the first time to see a place I always wanted to see and explore. If i mentally travel some years back and think about traveling solo to Portugal , I would think something more like “this is impossible” and “i cannot do it” . The decision was so spontaneous and without prior appropriate planning . I am planning short term, I do not want to save money, and I am unsure how to deal with all of this anymore. small breaks here and there sounded helpful for me and I did not want to get stuck in my room making endless scenarios in my head and dream about what i want and how long it might take …

the cheapest ticket is purchased, a good and affordable airbnb booked in Alfama, but why only one city when i could actually do more? let us add another destination to this adventure, Madrid …, again Tickets , connecting flights, room, all settled , Booked and arraigned .

But before we go in deeper details, let us travel back in time: End of April, beginning of may 2025 was a bit dramatic in Munich. a lot of blah blah blah at work, a sudden lose of Job, unsure about if i could actually do this anymore, all combined with a severe PMS symptoms and hysterical cries in the dental office. I usually have a high self control when it comes to dealing with people and patients etc. but it was that particular moment, when i doubted if i should actually keep doing this or not. Back to 28th April 2025 at work before traveling to Portugal, a normal day at work, i was slightly irritated but i had no control over it. and before you wonder, it was just that time of the month. I was being also extra and intentionally provoked at work, to me it sounded more as if my time here is done and people just wanted to get rid of me, I mean people there , and let us be fair by saying some of them and not many, where always rude. but around that time in April, they were extremely and intentionally rude and i understood the game: It is time to leave ! sitting now at my bed recalling all those days in mind i can understand the scenarios better than how i thought back then, did not they say : you see the bigger picture after distancing yourself ? and that is what is happening atm. back then there was a lot of gossips around, I was not told about everything happening, it happened that they were not only rude and wanted to kick me out, but a dearest friend of them was also fired, I mean, how could it happen when i am still there ? that sounded for them as a lose! how can i know about it because of course i would be happy to see someone whom always teamed with them being kicked out , blah blah blah, it was more like Team praxis vs Zainab. and i am not being sensitive about this. Timelapse, fights and argues etc, I went to the treatment room because an emergency patient whom i never had before is waiting of me, I had hard times to have a control over my emotions and the sudden flow of sad feelings. The patient sat there on the chair unaware about the fight i had just few minutes earlier and how i am extremely annoyed and irritated, my blood was literally boiling! the poor man has pain in his front tooth , the filling fell out and he do not want to have pain and concerned about his aesthetic. He also came als a walk in patient and did not expect to see me, he was always with my Boss and he was also concerned about being treated by me. In those moments, it is hard to deal with people but i should because that is also a part of my profession, I had to reassure the patient about me being able to help him and let him out without pain and with better results than what he expected. I had also to reassure him that i am here only to eliminate his pain and he will see my boss again as he wished. I did all of this while i am still thinking about that bitch whom i had i fight with earlier, why people tend to irritate me endlessly while i am being quite and minding my own business ? The patient had trust in me and sat there quietly waiting of me to treat him, one injection to the front tooth is given, „Mr.Xy we should wait now till the Änasthesia will work“ , he nodded in agreement and laid back comfortably on his chair waiting for the pain to subside. meanwhile i was picking out my instruments and arranging them to get started, my mind drifted to another places, i started recalling again what just happened few minutes earlier and my eyes started getting watery , oh No , dear God not now please because i know once i will start crying it won’t Stop !

I asked the patient if he feels numb, Green light, I can start now. I started the treatment , my eyes were getting more and more watery, I was being really concerned about me having a sudden break down now and not being able to concentrate, But things went smoothly: nerve out, medications in, a build up filling. I let the patient again having an upright sitting position, gave him the mirror to see the results, he was happy , surprised and did not expect that results , a lot of Thank yous , thank you thank you thank you! meanwhile i felt content , i did my job perfectly, now i can release all those tears without being worried, i started crying immediately , i let my mind having it is black out without being worried, i started crying silently while taking my gloves away, totally blocked out from everything around me, the only thing i can remember is the patient sound in the background , the poor guy was still thanking me , i had to thank him back, let him know about what he should do next, and walked out quickly and went to my working desk in the office, once i sat on the chair i started crying uncontrollably , i could not have control anymore on what i was feeling, it felt terrible back then , i was feeling so bad, alone, unsure about what comes next and how will i be able to defend myself and put boundaries, i was feeling helpless , alone, and sad. it felt so unfair, i am a good person, i always treated people kindly with respect , why they where so rude and unfriendly to me, all those questions popped out in my mind and i could not help but to cry and sob endlessly . I wrote my documentations , went quickly to the dressing room, put my casual clothes on and left work back home.

Timelapse, I am not working in that dental practice anymore but i knew i should find a new place, taking a break here won’t be the most ideal thing to do among all of this chaos. things here are connected in an extremely complex way, I started again searching for a new job, deep down extremely broken and unable to talk about my feelings , apart from my therapist it was hard to maintain a normal connections and relationships , i was not being able to express how did i feel or talk about it a lot, i was not able to whine about it non stop when i had the urge to. a new invitation to job, things seemed promising at the beginning, I was ready to drive daily almost 1hr 30 minutes to get to my new working place, people there were giving me the sweetest tongue, endless promises and a lot of talkings … a lot of a “non sense” !. I am not the type of person whom bring other’s down when things do not work, but there were moments there when my intuitions and gut feelings told me “this is not gonna work and i should say No” I tried to ignore my gut feelings despite there were a lot of red flags around me. I had the courage to say No and did not fear the consequences. I got attacked personally, extremely, brutally, I sat there helplessly not able to defend myself, they tried to put me down and make me feel bad about myself in all the possible ways. I soot there quietly, traumatized, not able to absorb all of what i just heard , my ears did no believe that, how can someone have a completely different attitude just after one week? what did i do wrong and why i am being attacked now personally? i was feeling terrible, sitting in silence , i just wanted to go back hone and lay under my heavy duvet in my bed and cry silently non stop, she made sure to make me feel terrible about myself, who is she? in case if you are wondering, a random, someone whom i met over the internet and they invited me to work with them, what i remember, i have never been disrespectful to anyone, neither i said bad things to any of them. I just wanted to be dropped back at the train station so i can go home, i felt extremely unsafe, terribly scared , my blood was boiling, my stomach was doing flip flops , I was aching and i just wanted to run away. at the train station, i thought whom should i know text? with whom i can discuss this now? i had only my therapist, it was the safest room at the moment to express my feelings without being judged. i wrote him an email “ i need an urgent session” , he surprisingly responded quickly after few minutes, he cannot take me as a client spontaneously today and i should wait for some few days to meet him. I sat in the train, still traumatized from what just happened few minutes earlier, not sure how should i deal now with my feelings and emotions, i am not feeling well, Sad,angry,anxious,disappointed, confused, hurt , worried, ….

Timelapse, 3 days after that incident I was laying in bed crying silently and feeling shit about myself, i was so sad and broken, I am not able to do this anymore, I met my therapist earlier, and while i was telling him about all of what happened with the strongest tone and attitude and while smiling, as if i am telling him about some comic fictions, i knew deep down i am dealing with a lot of trauma and a PTSD symptoms. after my sessions with him, my therapist , I went out on a date, I remember how i kept staring at my date’s face when we met for the first time, he was not looking like how he looks in his photos, i was so scared to show any emotions, i did not want the guy to run away , we had a good conversations, i did make sure not to talk a lot about what just happened yesterday and how do i feel about it at that exact moment. We talked briefly about it and i remember mentioning just how do i not like to being controlled at work extremely .

a lot of crying , i spent that transient depression in bed, binge eating and watching some online memes, it helped to lighten my mood when i was staying alone. I mean, watching Romantic movies won’t help at all, i pay monthly 4 euros for Netflix but that is honestly still cheaper than thousands of euros in case if i stream some videos illegally in Germany, I mean i watch Netflix like once weekly, mainly Crime documentaries, something that i became obsessed with recently, I used to spend earlier a lot of time watching either romantic or comedy movies, I cannot explain the sudden change of interests but i guess it happens occasionally. The only constant thing in life is the continuous changing…an arabic saying !

My trip to portugal was booked earlier than all of this chaos mentioned above, on the 21st of may i was invited to a new job interview in Munich on the 26th of May, Shit ! it was that same day when i am supposed to fly to Portugal, I had to make new a quick decision, I either cancel everything and stay here , or i just go and have some good time and forget about all the chaos happened earlier at this month, I decided to choose the second option, I definitely need to get refreshed before starting a new job, I cannot also suddenly cancel all of my plans since i paid for that and most of my tickets where non refundable, I postponed my Job interview and proceeded with my Trip to Lisbon, leaving a huge chaos behind, uncertainty and a lot of doubts and unanswered questions, I just wanted to be away.

again, the day is finally here, Monday, the 26th of May, my flight from Munich to Lisbon was early in the morning around 11:15. I packed up some good outfits, and all what i needed during a one week multi trip to lisbon and Madrid. I was so excited , I woke up early on that day , had my daily routine , around 08:00 pm I left the flat and took the train toward the airport, it was unusual for me to travel on a Monday morning after a one year of a real work commitment , i kinda felt guilty seeing people taking trains to work when i while i am walking to the airport to have my dream holidays in Portugal. I tried to ignore all of the unexplained guilt that i felt and just enjoy my holidays, it is just one week, i will be back soon and i will absolutely have a new commitment and a casual work routine again…hopefully🤞🏻

I arrived at the airport , passed the security checks, had my seat next to the gate while having the weirdest feelings ever, I did make some friends in Portugal thanks to Bumble, we were texting, and somehow we had things in common so i was excited about what i am gonna do there while i am being unsure and uncertain about everything, they recommended a lot of places and sight seeings to me , it was absolutely very helpful…I got on the plane, somehow i was seated in the middle among 2 men, it is a nightmare for me to be seated in the middle, for someone who hate flyings, i cannot imagine myself being trapped between tow people, Okay Zainab, it is just a 3 hours and you will be arriving to your dream holiday. Welcome Aboard , the cabin crew of that particular Lufthansa flight toward Lisbon were the friendliest, it gave me some warm feelings , i was assured , people around me were smiling, so why would i be anxious about my middle seat, I brought my book out of my purse, Emotions, that book that i bought during my vacations in Stockholm, it correlate to every aspect in my life, almost 33 years me and my emotions were living like a divorced couple , we never got connected but we both knew we do exist, I bought the book out and i started reading, an attempt to distract my mind from the fact of me being seated in a middle seat and not an aisle or a window seat, and in fact time did pass by quickly, after 3 hours we started descending , Thanks god, the man on my right finally decided to lift the window’s shields, well , he was obligated , and i could not take my eyes away from that scene, the beauty of the ocean, the green palm trees, the Amazing sun rays over the water , finally my mind started enjoying the moment instead of doing a non stop meaningless overthinking…

walking in the airport toward the Exit , Portuguese men are so Hot. that was the first thing i had i mind after arriving there🙂, it felt good to flirt non stop when i had the occasion to do it and i never felt guilty about it. I had to take the train to my flat in the Old town, my favorite part of every city i visit for the first time in Europe, I got my train tickets and walked toward the trains, after along ride around the city, i arrived my destination… and the least i could say, i felt in love with my place 🥰

Beco dos Loios

A breathtaking view, I am in love with narrow streets and authentic old places , i spent along time staring from the window at all those old buildings and i felt nostalgic , i had a nostalgia to my childhood, something about the city reminded me of my childhood and i was feeling so contented, something hard to explain with my simple words and broken english, I sat there on the sofa in the living room letting my mind getting drifted to all the possible places …

After a chilly afternoon spent at the appartment, a good meal , and a quick Nap, I had to go out and hang around the city, I did not set plans for what i want exactly to do there , I just wanted to hang out and have fun, so i decided to go out to watch the sun set at Miradouro da Quinta da Arealva , a place recommended to me from a friend, i needed almost 1.5 hour to get there, had to take multiple trains, buses and walk a distance, i did not expect to walk up and down , i mean there were many hills and stairs to take , i was not prepared for that but it was fun since there were a lot of things to see on the way to my destination. for example:

Just around the corner of that resturant was the stop of the bus station, I took the Bus around the rush hour, people were heading back homes after work, so you can imagine how busy the buses were, it was along ride , the bus crossed the famous 25th of April Bridge, and i had to get out and walk toward my destination

I was kinda anxious to be honest when i stood there and had a glimpse of the highway with cars driving on both sides. somehow it clicked in suddenly, I am alone in a place i have never been to before and i am not sure how safe this might be! There were noway to go back, even if i felt scared or anxious, so i continued walking and following google maps instructions toward my destination. just as i crossed the bridge, things were not scary anymore, it was a lovely neighborhood in almada, my first airbnb supposed to be there but i cancelled it since i realized it was far from the old town or the most touristy attractive places. I kept walking and there were again an amazing views on the way;

I kept walking toward my destination, I realized i had to take what looked back then as an abandoned way to get there, there were no people around me, and i was walking all alone, there were no cars , no public transportations, not even bikers or a single human soul, it was a day time so i thought to myself i will keep walking , what could happen ? i might meet some people on the way, well, i tried to calm myself down and ease my anxiety , i was having second thoughts about how sane my decisions are, why i am here walking alone to a place i have never been to before to see the sunset ? why did i decide to come here now? maybe i should have came here another day after exploring my surrounding near my flat … blah blah blah and a lot of thoughts while i kept walking forward following google maps toward my destination, I kept walking till i saw this view and somehow i was calm again…

maybe if i keep walking with some patience things will lighten up again, maybe if i will wait and have some patience then i am not scared anymore and it worth it … i tried to suppress my anxiety in all possible ways …

I arrived to the destination and realized i am not alone here , there were people around me, around that area, obviously the place was very popular among tourists and locals, everybody knew about this, walking to there was not the most dangerous road as i thought or imagined, it was “Safe” very safe that people were walking there almost everyday in the morning and in the evening to see the sunrise and the sunset , the place looked so abandoned , it was in fact abandoned , no one took care of the place , old buildings with some graffiti art, over grown tress never trimmed before with a bile of wastes somewhere around the corners …

But honestly, many other people and I were there for a reason. I guess we never wanted to enjoy the place itself, but rather enjoy the view. It was never about how the place looked in the first place. The people there were couples, families, friends, solo travelers, etc. We all were there for a purpose, a goal, a mission. Despite the differences in our priorities, we were all there for a reason. Despite our differences, we were all unified in a positive way. We were all having good times, happy, enjoying the moment. We all just wanted to enjoy the view of the city, watch the sunset, or maybe some of us just wanted to have calm conversations in peace while having a meal, doing a picnic, walking a pet, or even practicing hobbies. Who did all those amazing graffiti, anyway? Either way, we were obviously there for a purpose. And despite the variety of our purposes, everyone chose to enjoy the moment differently. It was the purpose that kept us from not noticing the negativity of the abandonment and enjoying the moment without thinking about how bad the place was. I was honestly disappointed at first; I never expected the place to be as abandoned as it looked. But then I thought again: I am not alone here. And simply, the beauty of the view, the purpose of being there, and for some, the people we walked all the way there with, the moments of joy, the memories – all these took over the negativity of the smaller things. Sometimes, you have to focus on the bigger picture to move forward rather than thinking about the small stones that make us stumble on the way.”

I sat there quietly for a moment and tried to enjoy the view as much as i can but i was taken suddenly by a sudden flow of sad feelings and loneliness, I do not want to wait anymore, i thought to myself and decided to leave back before seeing the sunset, I mean i could always observe the sunset from different spots in the city, i could take a cruise trip, or just walk beside the bridge, or just go to any random high spot or observation deck in the city, the options were many, i was at that exact moment very sure that i do not want to wait anymore and started slowly walking my way back to the bus station . the way back was not tough anymore and occasionally i met some people on the way, like me, confused and wondering it it worth all the hassle to get there, or not !

climbing all the way back was easier than getting there, I did not notice the magnificence statue of the christ when i was climbing down and on my way up back i could not stop myself from capturing this view.

Timelapse, a lot of walking, a lot of overthinking , a confused mind, moments of appreciations, worries, excitement, nostalgia, I found myself again in my flat on the sofa, everything around me looked and sounded so peaceful, i sat there in silence observing the scene from the window, my mind was calm, i was not overthinking for some strange reasons , i sat there in silence till my eyes and mind drifted slowly to a deep sleep, i was tired, it was absolutely along day, i was honestly happy at that moment, and looking forward to wake up early on the next day …

Zainab

24.06.25

Munich