How i Spend my Lazy days and after works, in Bed, overthinking , and mediating … alone !

Things keep getting harder, but i am more expressive now. at least i know how do i feel at this moment and can express it :Angry,frustrated,irritated !

Sometimes i wish if i do not have this much awareness ! if i could just “foolishly” act as if i did not understand people’s bad intentions around me,If i could just play around with words the way they do, If i could just act as if i could withstand all of this non sense and stand still , but again, I cannot! No one could stand still against a tornado …

Human’s have different experiences in life, and accordingly , they shape their thoughts, their values, their expectations etc

I had today a terrible experience , despite my therapist told me in our last session “it is terrible” i honestly do not know what did he mean with that back then… you do not understand what i am talking about right ? neither me, believe me, i just want to throw up in disgust remembering myself sitting on a small picnic matt in the parkings of a strange place with a stranger whom giving me life advices while having a shady conversation about unclear things ! you cannot shape me, a stranger, whom you met just few days ago, according to your own believes and values about life! at Work, you might meet a lot of different people , people reach out to you as a Boss or someone in position because they want help, they want to earn , they want to keep a healthy life style by working etc

I came from a culture where people are judgmental and trying hard to control and shape others according to what some of them believe, my last nightmare is to relive this again here , i came here for a reason, and i appreciated all the positivity and the talks we had earlier. Recently, it became very often, people here were trying extremely to give me advices about what i should do according to what they feel or believe. I myself try to always keep distance with others, act respectfully,not only because i am in Germany, a democratic country where people are free to live and practice freely, but also because i respect and appreciate the privacy of others, I wont go to an Iranian women and tell her why you married a german for example or what are you doing here, I wont tell someone wearing an expensive jacket how did you get that money, i wont act racist and tell a young man or a women they should be with someone only from their own ethnicity, I wont degrade someone and talk bad about them just because things between us did not work.

It is amazing how German people here work, i have learnt a lot in this country , i have a lot of respect toward this country and the people here and i like how people here had faith and trust on me and gave me a chance to show my commitment, discipline and competent at work despite the horror that i went through in 2020-2021 ! no one ever had pointed fingers at me directly and put me down because things went wrong,I love how people here just end things immediately without degrading others extremely.

Today i had a bad experience and it left me hurt and sad and irritated , I was degraded extremely just because i thought things will not work between me and a dental clinic , whom i thought earlier i might stay with them and work for a long time !

I was not only told that i am “impatient” and “was not interested when they told me to observe others while they work” which is not true in the first place, they went further and told me they are looking for someone whom quite and “educated” as if i know nothing and i am incompetent ! they went further and started giving me life lessons, telling me “i wont find anyone “ or an appropriate work place ! they went further and started telling me that my impatient will not lead me to any successful relationship if i will ever get married, they went further and started telling me if i have children then i wont work. I remained quite, you know why? because at this point, when people start puking words filled of hate and envy without a reason, i knew, they have problems with themselves , and there is nothing wrong with me ! what i cannot understand, why do you choose to interact with people you do not like or hate or feel jealous from them ? If you think i might be a bad character, just because i am not fitting to your own values or your believes , it does not give you the right to degrade me or invade my privacy or tell me what i should do or not. you prepared a scenario before we even met, you provoked me to get a certain reaction, you knew i cannot tolerate this crap anymore, you wanted to throw the “trash” away but at the end no one else is a trash but you!

Zainab

19.05.2025

Munich