I had endless tantrums, i shared with strangers like a 13 years old, i acted with too much confidence just because i thought my good deeds are always understandable, i thought they are reaching out for me because of our mutual likes or admiration, i never thought that behind every word there were a hint or a meaning, i ruined too many good connections and casual relationships because it was so hard for me alone to put the pieces of the puzzle all together, well, I know i did not do anything wrong, hence , i am always confident when it comes to my actions , and when people doubt me then i get angry, just because i am confident about what i think, and i do not have bad intentions toward any, and i do not wish anyone harm, when people doubt my intentions, i cannot help but feeling frustrated and angry.

unrealistic speeches, hands are shaking, individual success that does not help others in anything with their daily life routines, a useless opinions being said loud among few groups, heated speeches because the lack of confidence needs to be covered with sth, if we do not have valid opinions then let us shout and scream, loud voices are always the key when we do not have valid opinions … it is a Mockery … let us get dressed with the most expensive items in the market or even better,let us post endless photos that does not correlate with the reality or help with anything , i need a constant validation … the examples are endless … i fantasied about everything in life but marrying an old man and calling him Pa ! 🤡 genau !!! or wait a minute, Very good because no one gives a shit as long as they are not going through this themselves ! better to avoid this , because there is nothing more sickening than avoiding a lonely person , yes let us make them feel sick and give them emergency numbers and what could happen in between? Nope, we do not give a fuck ! Oh Karma, they are possessed , oh it is beautiful who speak now and here, let us keep this going on while waiting of pa 🤡 the horse is sick but no one accept to believe me and sarcastically i sit everyday not less than 2 hours swiping right and left on dating apps with the hope of finding a real and meaningful help, anyways nevermind the mess above because i have no chain of thoughts atm, it is a priority,January is in few days here , i am 34 Yo , another year passed with the same circumstances … do you see his name written on my Forehead ? is that visible to you? NO … then shut up and leave me alone … Jackets and shoes and Coates and blah blah blah that help with nothing in real life but it is a sort of a funny fantasy and a good gossiping materials roaming around … walking around helplessly with a constant fear and not knowing how to get out of this and have a normal life but thinking it is just okay and normal and wait because it is written 🤡 your death days are also written, if that how you think ppl … the last thing i want is speaking to a family member 🐍 Just to make things go Worse and have a mental relapse about it .. it is easy , because speaking normally to people and giving them chances while expecting them to help you sound unhealthy to them but sitting and acting and playing around with the ^hard to get card ^ is easier for them, an example of a sick Society ! an example of my overthinking …

Thursday, the 12th of December, Midnight, I woke up feeling extremely thirsty, my whole body was aching, I had the day before off and i was well rested, my first thoughts were i might overworked at that day wirhout realizing it, hence i am tired now, it was a wierd tiredness , i had chills, dizziness and constant fatigue, my initial thought was, a good sleep will help with that, i will feel better the next day…i woke up on Friday morning, the tiredness still here, i needed to drink sth hot,my coffee, it will make me maybe feel better, it did not help, i constantly felt tired… my brain needed to hold on something to resume his favorite habit of overthinking, why I am feeling tired? could be just a normal flu, or no, vitamins deficiency, what about TSH and thyroid? oh no, it is this time of the month and my hormones are messing around with me, but i am stressed most of the times and biting my nails non stop, open wounds. yes i might got infected with hepatitis or Aids during wirk because of my open wounds, what about the chills then? leukemia?! which stage, early or late one? noooo, it went to far, the new pullover , bingo, it clicked in, how could i forget about that part of my childhood when i used to get a severe allergic reactions when my skin get in direct contact with wool? i needed a barrier, cottons, anti allergic, friendly materials between my skin and the wool, it was a chaotic childhood, summers mainly spent either trying to lose weight gained in Winter or regular visits to pediatrics : unexplained fear , allergies, hypertension, and the list goes on … honestly, I do not know why i had those issues back then, it could be either because of that highlighted part of my childhood “Neglect” so i grew up being sensitive, or back then, felt continuously sick because i never felt loved or cared about. i wanted attention and it was the easiest way to get it, I grew up normalizing those feelings, accepted the facts and found my own coping mechanisms to them, I do not remember anyone celebrating my birthday as a child, i have no photos with cakes or candles or toys, apart from Sophia, i always wondered why my brother had extra attention than me but also learned that men are superior than women and women should always act softer than men, I grew up thinking i do not deserve those kind gestures, the regular ones , the basic needs, and i should please people extremely to get something in return, like , a Birthday Party! I also never talked about it, neither i compared myself to anyone else and wondered why do they have things that i never had. but now i realized, this is a real part of me and a real memory from my past, i need to deal with how do i feel about this instead of acting there is nothing wrong with that, obviously that was an abuse, and i for along time was unconscious victim ! it hurts me even more to know now that we were not all supposed to be thrown in jail , i somehow became again the victim for something i never did 👍, and the only thing they advice me to do while dealing with all of this shit is: Patience ! My brain got distracted for a while, and then i realized where i went unconsciously with my thoughts, i started again wondering what was i thinking about in the first place, oh the tiredness , my brain started wondering again why do i feel tired most of the times, what about being mentally exhausted? it is not like as if i had any problems before , my neck maybe has some issues , i woke up with severe chest pain thinking maybe i am having a heart attack atm, but weirdly i was sleeping in a very uncomfortable position and almost chocked myself to death, my pillow is the cheapest but the softest and i can adjust it the way i want without any problems. this part has nothing to do with my constant fatigue, i kept wondering and wondering and realized, no matter how long i will keep trying to find answers , it is my choice , either i stand up and help myself, or just sit in misery while thinking, somewhen it is gonna be better… deep down i know that i won’t feel happy seeing people resuming their lives when mine is standing still , life moves on …. and in few weeks : 2025

Zainab

München

December 2024