I was supposed to finish another post somewhen earlier than now. it got deleted by mistake… I cannot remember what i was writing about but i think what i wanted to write about is how “My father made me sick” ! but in General, I do not want to dig in “unknown details” …

I imagine a lot, myself, and others, and sometimes even “unknown figures” … sometimes, it feel as if images get forced in my mind … like flashbacks from the past, vivid memories from the present or even “unexplained fictional scenarios” …

decoding symbols is sth i have been doing since almost 2020, it sound sometimes fun. They are the simplest logics, a photo of a man with a long nose might be a symbol for lying for example … a simple example of many other “images” or “glimpses” … or “symbols” or you can call it whatever you want …

many things though remain unexplainable … i do not know if it is a part of my excessive overthinking or my loneliness , whatever the cause could be, i know deep down, a part of that might be true !

I know my mind exaggerate once i get inside my comfort zone after work…it starts immediately wondering about everything and over analyze every word,move,and spontaneous action … it starts at that exact moment when i get in and hang on my “Jacket” … or take off my “Shoes” … and start walking with bare “feet” around the house … I then sit on a chair, or lay down in bed, my “mind” start then taking me to places… I imagine myself in a better place…my loneliness then start taking over … and among all of what is happening, I imagine myself as a deaf and dumb person … very conscious and aware of my surroundings, and someone that i do not know is around me, he seems as a very good person with good intentions, i do not know him though, but he is always there … he talks, and i cannot hear , or speak … he tries … and i cannot understand ,i move my hands in random gestures to give him signals … i try to communicate, he talks … and i cannot listen or say sth in “return” !!! … He want to give it a try and i feel like he do not understand me … it is “unfortunately” impossible to communicate with him despite his good intentions … In this situation, it feels like all of the “do not worry” does not make any sense to me …

I feel misunderstood most of the time, My broken english sometimes fail to express my exact intentions, my “witched” Blah blah blah’S make my words applicable to every person i interact with on a regular basis , or even once, or twice, or through the virtual world … It is hard to explain my good intentions to everyone i meet on the way! my silence sometimes get misunderstood just as much as my words !!!

i feel like i am the most emotionally abused person atm ! I do not need to ask my “idk who he is” husband about my plans!!! people are telling me i am capable of making my own decisions!!! they point their fingers out around me most of the times and i do not know if i should try or run away or disappear or,or,or…for how long should someone honestly keep trying before letting go for good?

I can imagine myself without those circumstances … i would say i am doing great to every aspect in life … but it is good sometimes to stay realistic and do not take things for granted as much as the opportunities are tempting … but again, with my constant high elevated stress hormones i do not think i am doing the greatest !

days are running very quickly … Here is October, and in ablink of an eye November then December then a new year again !

on a scale of 10 with 10 being very famous to 1 being just “paranoidal thoughts” i do not know how famous I am … and among all of this Chaos i cannot figure out what make people think that i might be very dangerous to hide things from me … I know, i should shut up and do what i am doing and pretend all is Okay … but when i listen to random conversations and feel targeted , the first thing that comes to my mind is , how many fans do i have … it seems as if they pay attention to everything happening around me and they know more than what i do … i know, it is useless to talk directly but at least i am doing Okay and should keep pretending that maybe?!

whatever is happening, i will keep doing what i am doing and somewhen it is gonna work, idk, but that is what i am trying to convince myself … between reality and hopes lies alot of unknown facts and details … to all of this … i will cross my fingers and just keep hoping …

zainab

04.10.2024

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