Since almost 2020 i have been experiencing huge inner conflicts. Alone I started experiencing new things , this new life of exploring things alone gave me many different emotions and feelings, mostly: bravery . I felt good about my decisions.However, I never paid attention to the smallest details there or let us say, the risk of taking those random decisions, i never thought about the long term consequences of what a simple click on that “contact me” or “send” could do!

It was My stress and loneliness that made me take immediate and quick actions without prior search or investigations . I did not want to stay in that “save” zone and wanted real actions, I just wanted to feel good and be away from my triggers, I needed help . I got adviced to look for mental help support rather than take immediate actions. I, on the other hand, was still under the effect of my long term Trauma. I never imagined myself to be isolated to this extend or be away or even being able to say No to things i never wanted, drawing lines, or putting boundaries.The process of exploring my surrounding was very confusing, suddenly all of my support circle of people disappeared and i stood alone searching for answers and whys ! the trust that i had once on them vanished, and the more i look back at those days the more i feel like those shattered pieces cannot be gathered or fixed together again. Internet was my only friend that i hanged out with to inform myself about what i do not know, my imagination played also a great role in making scenarios and believing them. There are many things that are simply unexplainable, my reactions to certain posts in the internet, not to mention the names of the people, who made those posts, is very confusing . As much as i wanted to fight those thoughts by standing firm and saying : I am doing Well, i am not sick, they made me sick, they are guilty! I knew, a part of me wished for a real healing. I started this journey very quickly without informing myself about the process, and without the necessary support of the family or friends. I typed spontaneously the first words came in mind in google, and let myself choose randomly from there. I was convinced about those personal informations from the internet with their “placebo” comforting effects , I think many people with extreme distress would fail for that trap easily just like me! people, in their most stressful times, tend to see and process things in a different way than healthy people! Btw people, that is my opinion, there are no studies about that, being wise is very different than being an expert, I am not an expert with Mental health issues but my own experiences in the last five years and before made me being insightful toward those issues. The process for me was honestly very intense, again with that “placebo” effects of reading all of this and talking i came almost to that conclusion one day: That’s it , it is happening, just for me, I am healing finally ! The process was very confusing at the beginning, i did not know why i needed to be here in the first place, my good intentions always led me to think and feel good toward others, i never doubted what i got from them , but, honestly, deep down there were some sane drowning pieces of feelings trying to get out of that water and tell me : help me…pay attention… be careful … i though kept suppressing them with my blind trust and my stupid excitement till they all drowned and vanished. I masked everything with my blind trust and fake confidence despite There were times when i said it out loud “there is something wrong” , I can still remember the reactions!!! Looking back now at that whole process, it was the biggest joke someone could go through it! But i guess, in the process of growing many things might fall or get lost in the way.

people might perceive the above text differently, healthy people might see it as a quote from a poetic book or even a non sense, others might deal with it as if they are dealing with witched text . it is not a scenario about a pregnant women giving birth to her first child, or a crazy man trying to convince his surrounding about being healthy, they are just simple words needed to be said out loud and written … for some reasons!!!

when i was seven years old, and i remember this scene very well because i believe that Childhood memories cannot be wiped away very easily, I remember seeing “someone” a small kid around my age or one year older, i back then had crush on that “someone” and i remember wearing my fluffy white dress and a see through white veil and holding flowers from the vase and sitting on the couch thinking that “someone” is gonna come to marry me . it is the funniest memory someone could have from their childhood. I think since childhood i was distanced somehow from the reality of many things in life! , another moment when i hold books and prepared myself without anyone noticing, went out of the house to the school, i was not even registered in the school, i back then thought it was the time but my family are not caring about it and i want to study. five years old me took her books and went out of the house to the school…. i got caught on the way and was laughed about incredibly…hurt me back then find it now a cute memory and a very innocent act. Anyways, it seems as if that innocent part of me is still here even after crossing my thirties! I am still taking decisions without thinking and talking more than taking real actions. Many times i thought about how might that happen? how can i escape this battle in my mind, how can i settle, how can i find solutions to my existing problems, how can i be just like them!!! I always imagined “my mother” choosing someone for me, i might not like him at the beginning but i would get convinced about him with time and surrender and make family etc. , When i met that random man in 2017, who claimed to predict things from the future and told me “the way you are going to get married is unpredictable and with drama” i laughed between me and myself and thought “ i do not believe in this, who is he to tell me things, i never asked for his opinion, i honestly do not believe in them… “ almost 8 years later, now, looking at the presence, i feel as if i missed many spontaneous hints from life ! it is the most unexplainable thing someone could experience! when i used to text excessively between 2019 and 2020, I was spending big time reading between the lines of my own spontaneous texts and getting hints from my own contexts . it was a funny puzzle game for me at the beginning, the pandemic made people do crazy things! I always wondered and it is for real, why i kept seeing a “Star” or “holiday” or “Monday” or .. etc among the words of my own texts and contexts ,I played further and started to get words from my own texts, I then thought or my mind spontaneously extracted the name “Oday” from my own texts, I then correlated this name to my own brother, despite things in reallife were far away from my own imaginations or scenarios , I kept doing it as fun, alone, Till that particular moment, a moment of a sudden deep unexplainable realization: This is not fun anymore, I am Sick!!!!!

i needed help to get myself out of my extreme loneliness and paranoia! my inner thoughts started to get more tangled and things started to be blurry! I dealt with the above Texts as if i am dealing with a fantasy fictions. At the end of the days those thoughts are also interesting?! who said that seriously ? that people cannot dream or live in their own fantasies ? … this is a glimpse of my mind, a real scenario from my over thinking. I needed someone to rewrite those words for me clearly, i cannot deal with this whole mess in my mind.

I have never been introduced to Therapy, people in my cultures are not very expressive, or maybe this applies only to the ones i met inside my house? I knew it will take alot to break this and get liberated, deciding to get help is like taking the first step of that stair to get there to the top! I went to random places with hopes …and i could not find the answers, I dealt with endless Puzzles, my good intentions, trust, hope were my best three companion on the way. I learned in this process that reaching out for help is not a shame or wrong.i would give it a try rather than living with the regret of sitting and doing nothing. It is also more about to whom we reach out for help, life has taught me Many things, Among them: Being honest will save you from terrible consequences, being direct and straight forward is better than acting shady, saying i do not know or i cannot help you is not a sign of weakness, it would not hurt to be direct than to choose to stay in the grey zone and destroying someone with your indirect actions,simple words or actions could be for someone a saver or destroyer. With time I learned that i can also be my own Therapist! at the end, no one could listen to myself and my inner conflicts the way i do it with myself! no one can understand this tangled thoughts the way i do it myself. Mistakenly, I was thinking that i cannot do without certain people in life. but here i am, everyday when i wake up, or when i get a slap from life by hearing a truthful fact about someone, I become grateful toward myself and connect more with my inner self. I trust my intrusions now more than ever. my hopes are still here so are my needs of help, the difference: Instead of walking on egg shells i will start to make problems and take actions, instead of pleasing people i will start to act selfish, instead of thinking i am doing well, i will start to ask again for help, but i will also make sure that people who caused my suffer will pay also for my healing …!!!

Zainab

25.08.2024

München