It is July the 14th. 2024. I honestly feel overwhelmed, as usual, days are running so quickly as if we are in a marathon ! I honestly cannot process how fast this year went by….for me, it seems as if December was just yesterday, those cold days spent mostly in bed with day dreaming and reading. an acquired habit that became inseparable from my daily routine. wait, another scream outside! never mind, someone properly scored another goal, oh yes, the EU football matches are coming to and end, final match, properly everyone is watching. I honestly wanted to by myself a ticket to one of the matches although that seemed impossible, wait, i need to put a shirt on and wake up, life is too short anyways to spend it with fear in bed ! omg, my feelings are like a rollercoaster, i donnot know if i should eat, sleep, work, integrate with people, or enjoy a company with someone, or scroll through social media , or tipp in google or youtube whatever comes in mind !

Things are changing so quickly around me and everything is moving on so fast, the only thing that remain consistent is me and my usual habits 🙂

whenever i feel life is too much and overwhelming i run away again to writing. although sometimes it is quite good to keep things hidden between me and myself. but somehow and day after day i am becoming more numb, more careless, and less anxious, or that might be what i think about priorities in life. That moment, when i woke up again after the strong tornado seems as if it is never going to happen in reality, I honestly keep recalling this moment in my mind. i woke up briefly after that, it was 2019, i remember at that day i slept forgetting the lights in my room on, so i woke up midnight, it was either 2 am or 3 am and it took me almost few minutes to realise it was just a dream … I miss those days honestly ! i remember telling someone about it, and i thought, what could happen that make me feel so overwhelmed or insecure ?! well, now i know …,2018 when i drove all the way to Hamburg to see my lawyer there, it was about getting my dental license without doing my exams. I also slept alone and i remember seeing my father in my hotel room giving me money while crying. I also woke up so confused and i honestly cried for few moments because it seemed so real. I thought then, this might be a good sign, i might get my license directly with this lawyer and things will be good. it was a hard lesson …!!! Those dreams were the rope of hopes that i always hold on so tightly. some of them might not even make sense, but my lonely isolated from real life and unconsciously abused mind tried to hang on anything, so it found that comfort in hopes and dreams … my mom is even worse than me, she used to tell me consistently about her dreams about me and i was not sure if they were real or not but somehow i used to listen to them. I mean, as long as it sounds positively good then why not?, well, apart from that one dream when she took it extra real and accused me for something despite i did not do anything wrong, i realised, i should not let those talks or specifically dreams influence me in taking my decisions in real life, although it seems good sometimes to hang on hopes or justifying our actions with dreams,but doesnot mean because of the fact that we do not want to blame ourselves for the bad or the inadequates unrealistic decisions we take in life,that we should try to justify our actions with anything like blaming others , or even worse, I saw a dream !

Days running so quickly and i am honestly trapped in my own mind. i do not know myself anymore. i mean, i got an email a week ago , i should react quickly, Zainab, the one who used to panic extremely to certain events and circumstances is so numb to the point of not reacting toward a legal email, people, iam talking about mental reaction, i am taking real actions, but, I honestly thought okay i am in a state of shock, somewhen i am going to break down, i mean i will get over this and then realise the amount of the excessive communication that i did to be notified per email and get panicked, just like that night from 2016, few weeks after arriving newly in germany, i woke up midnight and my brother was late, so i panicked extremely, i thought: first i am going to be maybe punished from my mother, or i am going to be accused of something wrong. so i picked up the phone and screamed non stop in my voice messages and cursed my mother with all the bad words someone could know on this earth for sending me here alone with him and taking decisions that left us so insecure and having no stability. I woke up the next day and he was still not there, my sister was trying to comfort me although i knew she was lying, she was telling me he is waiting for the train and will come home soon. i thought, if this was true why he was not answering me then when i am alone and waiting of him home ?! … anyways, he came back, he was with his friends and he did not hear his phone. the usual excuse !! i then decided to know what is going on around me to keep myself save and informed, social media where the only way to reveal the truth of what happened. if i did not inform myself , the consequences could have been honestly worse. I never thought about that voice message as if it was something huge, until in one visit to my sisters, she was telling me sth indirectly that i did not understood because of my confidence that my actions were always done with pure intentions and i never did something wrong. she was telling me that she deleted that voice message with some smirks and looks. i did not realise back then but now i realise the gossips were unbelievable !!! Honestly, i remember scrolling through my phone once, and while i have also equally bad voice messages from her saved in my phone, i came across this specific voice message and i realised that i spitted words without thinking, i was panicked and insecure and truthful with my words. i never thought it is a real matter and i just felt insecure and deleted it. well, lessons in life sometimes come not in the same time when things are happening … Back to the Email, I am surprised i did not feel anything, i mean i am not panicked like how i used to be before, i am annoyed, because it is a stressful situation and i have of course my own side of the story that i think is correct, but i am not panicked the same way i used to be… I am not sure if i am growing or i am just becoming immune to traumas, abuse or even lies and neglect.

days are running so quickly, 2 weeks will pass again in a blick of an eye. and then another new month is coming, that is honestly disturbing more than hurting because the real life expectations does not match with time velocity toward the end of the year. i think my ticket is express in the 2024 train. my mind is stick somewhere else and there is no correlation between everything that is happening at the moment. because in my mind i still recall that moment in 2021 when i used to pray with that blue gown, and occasionally found those “god knows since when they are on that foodtable” stuffed dates very delicious. i kept snaking them between my prayers occasionally and founding the ones stuffed with almonds more tasty. I never knew there were an audience from almost millions people watching me or following me. I am so disturbed and i wish i can find the proper real help to get out from all of this. again, it seems as if the only consistent thing is me and everything around is moving so fast. another day tomorrow when i will be properly mobbed indirectly about this live aired moment from now, or might even get a compliment. and i will rethink once and twice my decisions over and over and over again, if i should put a top on or just move around freely as if nothing is happening. Yes are too late at the moment and a sort of illusion. wait is a self-destructive behaviour, courts without material proves are illness and waste of times. so i will be keep roaming around and wondering what will the next days bring to me and what will be my fate. another 5 months to go till the end of this year. and i am honestly not looking so forward and eagerly to it …..

14.07.2024

München

Zainab