During my solo Journey i have learned a lot about how to deal with my own emotions at the times when i felt the lowest! it was so hard at first and i could not run away to anywhere else where i could deal with my own misery or sadness alone , away from people. socially, it seemed also very unacceptable and shaming to express negative emotions, you are a young girl, you should always feel alive and cheerful, no one could accept a miserable girl dealing with her issues. for a long time i believed in those myths and they became unconsciously inseparable part of me. I needed to mask my feelings because simply there was no listener and i unconsciously thought those feelings are shameful and it might be the reason why my social circle is very small . I kept blaming myself and i honestly cannot describe how much pain it took me to come to this realization or awareness, during those times when i thought what i was doing is correct, by suppressing my own feelings and needs and be a sacrificer for the sake of others, that was nothing but away to please those people, thinking that i might get the appreciation and the attention that i crave for ! everything i was doing for them was nothing, i was just a people pleaser, i couldnot even defend my ownself …

i walked out of this circle with too much wounds and misery, and had to deal with a new challenge now, strangers !, it took me too much power and overthinking to realize what was and still going on, i blamed myself many times for things i did not even do ! , i blames myself for every single mean word i heard ! i questioned myself also many times about what was going on and why i am experiencing too much hate or mobbing? those girls seemed to be having a stable life, they are married , or might be having boyfriends, those men are successful and running their own businesses or even their own work … i kept thinking it might be something i unconsciously did wrong to make them feel or act this way toward me, i need to pay attention to what i am doing and be more careful to avoid problems and issues, i should & should & should … then, i realized, i have been repeating the same patterns and acting the same way i uses to act with the circle i ran away from, i am still a people pleaser !

expressing my own issues or problems was not enough for them to step away and leave me alone, acting humble and friendly was a sign of weakness to them, being just myself seemed as if i am playing around with their basics, trying to be open minded and accepting the diversities was for them as if i need to get a certain benefit, as much as i tried to find a way to deal with them, it seemed nothing to them … I then honestly realized, the first thing i need to do to get myself out of this, is by accepting my own negative feelings and deal with them in reality and not to try masking them !

getting mobbed or disliked wether from your own friends, family or even strangers bring a very unpleasant feelings, not to mention when it combined with existed problems and loneliness, i realized, the first thing i need to do is accept my own feelings and embrace them rather than just hiding them. I then also considered what parts those people might be not satisfied with im their own lives to make them rude toward others, it might be unhappy marriage? outlook? educational degree? martial status? financial issues? etc. ! once i realized that those behaviors is just a reflection of someone’s level of satisfaction with their own selves i felt the highest level of ecstasy ! and i know this time, my brain is not trying to find a coping mechanism to my misery, that is a fact this time and not an illusion !

having this way of thinking widened also my possibilities and choices, whoever is not accepting me with my authentic negative feelings are just not the right one for me ! you can mask your feelings for a certain benefit in life, getting that certain job, or betraying that certain man, or even being in a relationship with someone but you cannot mask them forever ! saying this, i am trying to remember all those women who gave me once those advices, where are they now ?! : divorced ?! ran away from their supposes or even wishing them to die so they can find new ones !

there was a reason why my circle got smaller after 2021 …, i am now more gentle with myself than how i used to be back then and accepting myself just the way it is. I wish everyone who is acting badly toward others to have sometime with themselves and accepting themselves the way it is or working to improve themselves to be a better version than how it is atm ! i wish everyone who is feeling bad endless happiness that make them forget about hurting others …

zainab

30.05.24

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