It is the 9th of May 2024 and it is a holiday, after starting with work i started perceiving the calendar differently. Mai in Germany is different, almost in every week there is a one day holiday, something i started to appreciate after committing to work . I woke up late despite i set my alarm on 08:00 am, my phone was filled with messages from people i met online, something i have been doing regularly since teenages: texting people online. Texting though in early 30s is different, i am not sure if i belong to the 35+ of people or the 20s … i am not sure if my targets from the opposite gender find it good to meet their other halves online or … not even sure what are their priorities!.

I always imagined myself meeting my other half somewhere in the real life rather than the virtual world! Sometimes i sound very goofy when i text and people will never understand my way of thinking or how i express my feelings…, maybe i am acting like an old women or my firm believes from childhood are very difficult to break or to change, i met many wonderful people online and some of the friendships are just great!

After flipping through all the messages everywhere, today i am not in the Mood to text back and decided to wear my protective shield again and ignore them all and go out for a day trip! After all i am not a very social person and i do not like making close friendships easily with people without getting to know them, i go out with friends when i feel like having the need to share and talk rather than having a normal healthy relationships with boundaries with others, for me, that sounds as an infinitive circle of toxicity, not only to me, but for the opposite person as well, making friendships atm is not easy, but, that what my mind is trying to convince me so i can just stick in my place without taking actions, dear unconscious mind: i am having control on you again very slowly, you do not belong to them, those who manipulated you long time to stand traumatized and still when actions needed to be taken, you do not need to drive long alone with thoughts to adapt to your loneliness, i know now all your defensive mechanisms to get away from your stressful situations, you make my stomach ache with pain and my salivary glands hyper, i even have nausea when i try to control you but i am certain about it, i will control you, you are not having a control on me anymore …

With that, i decided to go out … Destiny? Nowhere, i had many places in mind and thought okay i will try something new, i will not get bored from the long ride , after all, i like to spend time now and then to think and reflect my issues … let us go !

I boarded the train to Passau, a small city near munich, that was my planned destiny since very long time, every weekend since 2016 i used to plan going somewhere alone, i even did a list of the cities i went to, want to go to! my bucket list were very long in that small pink notebook, i even used to keep the train tickets, entry tickets from museums or famous places as souvenirs, i used to glue them on the papers of my pink notebook and write my emotions beside them, how did i feel back then and what made me sad or happy etc. i mean, it seemed as the best way to kill the time alone is by exploring, i definitely felt like Dora but in her 30s !

I boarded the train with a bag filled of snacks, carrots, pizzas, coffee… i felt excited to board the train to there, my book lies on my lap, and my mind drifted as usual to imaginary places … i was not very lucky with choosing my current read, repetitive patterns of why should someone exercise instead of resting and how the brain can adapt to that made me very bored to keep reading … after almost one hour in the train, i felt nervous, i wanted to go back suddenly again to my safe zone, to my safe place, i just felt helpless and wanted to lay in my bed again under my heavy duvet and Drift to a deep sleep … but then i thought about and remembered all those long hours i spent under my heavy duvet since almost 2021 sleeping , sleeping will not help, i need to wake up and reach my destination, i need to get to Passau… !

The isar is there … i came back again to reality from my overthinking, There were no mountains along the way as usual, those were always along the way to my favorite destinations… the dominant color from the windows though was green… and that was enough to relax my eyes and unconsciously my overthinking mind!

I arrived late, but i am Okay with that, i knew i would not spend 10 hours in the city exploring alone, i get board after few minutes, hours and just wish to get home again!

Passau was not as i expected, the photos i saw long while ago seem nothing close to the city i saw today! There are no Cafes near the river and no small pedestrian bridges, where were those photos taken? I have no idea … this city is boring, everything is closed, people walking around and laughing, they know their destinations, i do not … this city is not entertaining at all … but: beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder !

We, humans, perceive the same things in this world very differently, i might tell you now : this small city is lifeless, very dull, numb, and not entertaining …. Simply, this is a reflection of my current feelings of loneliness, slight depression, and helplessness … a newly fell in love couple might say: this city is awesome, very romantic, many small corners filled with amazing details, we could walk there endlessly and share intimate moments, secrets from the pasts and plans of the future …

We not only perceive things differently but we might perceive the same things differently in different situations … you might be my enemy once upon a time and i gossiped about you non stop but you helped me unexpectedly when i needed help the most…your simple act of kindness wiped all those negative memories in my mind about you in the past and the only thing i remember now is your bravery, help, and your standing out courage for sticking to the truth when it needed to be heard the most !

Human’s emotions are the most complex thing to understand and deal with, i grew up among people with the most fluctuant feelings someone could experience while living among them… i was not sure if i was loved or hated, appreciated or underestimated, considered or neglected, taken seriously or being misused, rewarded or punished … ! Emotional manipulation was my friend in this journey …,Therefore i find it hard to express sometimes, importing feelings is easier than exporting ! talking is silver but silence is gold … neither sliver nor gold is needed at the moment, all those old inherited sayings are nothing but like anesthetic injections to make us feel numb when we think we need to speak out and loud … those old believes to comfort ourselves in the hardest times are myths, talking sometimes is more needed than actions or even equal to them, for those who were taught not to talk or express, i know how hard is it for you and i understand you fully, i do not know what are your adapting mechanisms to your stressful situations or which voices or actions are hunting you when you feel good or ready to change … i know it hurts and not easy … it will get better even if the only thing you hang on are hopes or prayers…it will get better just like how i thought in those stressful situations from the past … i thought it will never end and now they are vivid dreams … till i find the exist, i will keep exploring, dreaming, and hanging on my hopes & prayers …

Zainab

09.05.2024

Passau/Munich