I was having a wonderful life till January 2019!

Honestly, I f i had the chance to go back to 2018, i could have sold all of what i had back then and stayed in the UK. it was a chance that i wasted with no thinking, the opportunities, the offers, the chances … I did not believe in myself of being capable to take extreme actions to stand up for myself and have a better life in a country away from those who for no reason keep disturbing me. Instead, i thought there is no way i can do it and went back to Munich, although i felt so hopeless with all the wait , the uncertainties and the fear of making any doubts to my family, it seemed back then the correct thing to do!

I lost my Job end of November few days before traveling to London, because the lady i was substituting in the clinic came back to her work and they thought i was not needed anymore there!, it was hard, but i thought off course i am going to find something !

I had the most adventurous 2 weeks in London, Studying and spending the rest of the day in exploring the city. I had a very weak connection with my family, so neither they asked what i were doing, nor I cared about what they do!

December ended as usual with me being alone celebrating my 28th Birthday, I remember,back then I cried so hard in the Balcony at the new year eve while observing the fireworks because i was alone!

January 2019 was supposed to be a good new start of the year, i felt fresh, because i spent the end of the year traveling and meeting a good friend in Dubai, so i was so ready to resume finding a new job and getting ready, at anytime, for my approbation!

A women i knew referred me to a dental clinic owned to someone from my culture. It was the worst experience someone could imagine, again with such loneliness and lack of emotional or even material support, i felt drained and decided to leave the clinic abruptly once because of the excretion i felt and the going to nowhere work relationship ! I mean being asked to do 6 months unpaid practical training while working your heart out seemed to me the easiest way of being taking advantage of.

I felt lost, without recognition no practice can accept me as a Dentist, most of my Cvs were refused or returned per post, my german was not so optimal back then to have a professional way of communication with the clinics. I decided: I want to do my conversion exams somewhere else rather than Bayern !

As much as I did not want to do it because it seemed the hardest thing to do,to move out somewhere else and start from zero, because again, I was alone without family support, I was so free, yet mentally so restrained in taking sane actions, i focused only on passing my exams and getting work, but i thought, i need to do it! i got advised to join a preparatory course somewhere else, I took that advice thinking i will be doing also my exams there to accelerate the process of getting my license, I filled all the online Registration papers, signed them, and sent them back without reading and thought, Okay i am going to start the course in March, till then, I can find a way of arraigning things, financially i did not have many difficulties back then… or as usual, i planned that wrongly!

End January, I was told by a friend that i can actually do it where i am , in bayern, with no need to take a course, the Lawyer also advised me to find a job, and he thought it is doable, and i will get my approbation in the hand once i start working, i do not need to take a course, i do not need to move somewhere else, all is good and under control!

I resumed my search of finding a good job, on the other hand, never thought small things could be sometimes very problematic! , few weeks after this advice and the consultation from the lawyer, i remembered, I did not cancel the course and i should send them an Email!, I think back then it was around mid to end February, 2 weeks before the start of the course, when i tried to reach them to cancel my Registration, no response or either i was offered a personal appointment, i cannot remember exactly, but i decided to take the train and go to them, 2 trains at the same day, with 3 hours of driving from munich to there and vise versa, i remember, when it was the most stressful process to cancel a contract , rude people … etc, Story long short, i was forced to take the course despite all the circumstances, cancellation is not possible, no informations about funding. I had to deal with all of that alone! I honestly do not want to remember the days of the course back then, there was too mich struggles, I had to sell some belongings at the end of the three months to offer my shared room in the dormitory, I kept studying and waiting of the unknown, looking for a job in Munich because if what my Lawyers said, and taking “forced” preparatory course because i planned wrongly, I did not know what to do! , I met then once unexpectedly the “Chef” , and although i never had in mind being with someone, neither i tried to act in anyway to be with someone, it was his behavior that bought suspicions and it was when my back at that time friend told me i should try reaching out to him etc. I took her advice playfully, I swear to god i never thought about it seriously, neither i realized what i have been doing is sth extreme or unacceptable or what’s so ever! , I mean my first impression when i saw him, I thought he looks like everything but a chef with that way he dress !, I also never looked at the topic of me being married seriously, it seemed for me the hardest thing to do, i thought it might happen somewhen, but i never thought about how it could happen! I also always imagined myself being with someone around my age, despite i never had anyone in mind, neither i spoke to anyone before at that time, or even earlier, i met a year before someone on the airplane, yet never thought about it seriously.

Back to the story, I started texting him as my friend advised me , I remember, we spent nights discussing my conversation with him, i thought she was married, she can give me maybe good advices …! If only i knew …

It was once when i told her about a certain Text i got from him, she got extremely excited and told me that is actually a marriage proposal … he is asking my hand for marriage ..

I remember, i became extremely happy about the idea of being asked to be a wife of someone, or even engaged to them, I mean i felt so alone , never being approached and then having someone telling me that this Text means actually he want to marry me was so exciting ! i remember how i had extremely good mood, was acting so positively, even though for me it did not make any sense , i thought , having someone wishing me per a text to meet me personally does not necessarily mean they want to marry me, she kept insisting about what he meant was engaging me, and worse, she made me feel so bad about myself by mentioning, if it was other girls , how could they actually take advantage of the situation and know how to make him fall for them ! , so i thought okay, I will try i packed a small gift for him as a Thank you at the end of the course, they were simple things from my own belongings, the very unexperienced Zainab never had something better in mind ! days went and me was thinking i am texting someone who asked me for marriage, i was doing my unpaid trainings in munich and studying for my exams!, yet excessively texting him non stop !, it was sth new, i tried to convince myself about i am being with someone, further, i planned how could i convince my family about him and how i can start this conversation about him with my mother, despite he never mentioned any direct thing to me about all of this, i was making scenarios and believing them alone!

I remember once i texted him that i need to tell him about something, he asked what is about? , my Family I answered ! , he told me we need to discuss it at the weekend! Innocent me believed him and waited impatiently till the weekend, no text, i then texted him when are we supposed to talk about my issue ?! No response …! I felt so sad back then, now remembering all of this, they only think i could say, how sick i were !

I resumed texting, and worse, in my mind i was planning my wedding, and how i could make this work, the way i could tell my mother about him etc. , it was the most insane thing someone could do ! There are many details in the story … i though was so convinced about my illusions and paranoidal thoughts, stalked him excessively, texted him excessively!

End of 2019, I thought i am telling my mother about him, I am honestly not sure what did make me think it is a serious relationship and he is serious and want to marry me, I confidently told my mom that someone is wanting to marry me despite they never asked me directly for that !

As usual, my mom’s reaction was not welcoming, next day i had unexplained tantrum from her, indirect gossips about it with my sisters whom i asked her not to tell them, many mean things were happening at the same time, i felt even lonelier than before, my mental health was deteriorating !

I went back to uae as my mom requested, days went, then I asked my mom once if they contacted him, because she asked me for his contact number when i told her he want to marry me, my mom’s reaction was, they do not know him and i should just forget … Stubborn me thought my mother is lying ! Not only because she is actually a lier, but also i kept texting him and he was responding to my texts ! , in the middle of all this loneliness i tried to come up with explanations, i, in my mind insisted that i am an engaged girl … i told you, my mental health was not doing very good … i went further to prepare myself for my wedding, this time not only mentally, but also physically, i thought it is going to happen around summer 2020, after the lockdown of the corona ! he definitely is having contact with my family, they do not want to tell me though and judging by the mean way they act toward me , they are just punishing me before letting go of me to him, the whole family was involved, brothers as well, i kept thinking, it is going to happen and he will come to pick me up from uae and we will get married around summer time …

Now remembering all of this, no wonder why my friends were telling me to see a psychiatrist and take medications!

I insisted on cont. texting him , prepared myself for my never existed in real life marriage! , i did a full body laser and treated my nails and hair with extensions etc. the normal daycare routine for every young girl in her 20s , for me it was a ritual, i was getting ready for what i thought :my “they do not want to tell me about but it is going to happen” marriage !

I went further, I was even telling some friends i am being engaged to him ! i believed so hard in what was back then ,but now so obviously , an illusional thought !

Day after day my people were getting meaner to me, i was feeling worse and more neglected !

While i was dreaming in my own small world and mind about all of those illusional thoughts … not sure if being sick, or as a result of abuse, i never had in mind all of what happened in between … i do not know even how to recognize my thoughts (system, security, world, without, normal, Butt, whore, fingerprint, prayer, inherence,stalking,his mother, cheap… etc)

3 years later, Now:

•I am still single

•In Munich

•he never contacted me and was not interested in marrying and i am not marrying him

•I still think my sisters are …&€#

•I am definitely doing much better than back then, or at least that what i think !

•They were all lies … illusions …

•I do not know how i survived those times in 2020,2021,2022,2023 !

•It might be something good I did once and it got paid for me in my hard times …

•I am honestly not sure if i am doing well, I am though sure i am much better than back then …

•I got my approbation and i am working

•I am a better reader now than before

•I developed a new way of thinking and tolerance toward others

•I distanced myself from toxic people

•my friends were toxic, they were never real friends !

•i am still celebrating my birthdays alone

•I am not sure with whom i am going to end up … I wish it could happen in a mature and better way than how i thought in 2020

•i do not to tell my mother about anyone i am going to meet anymore, neither i need their approval for anything

•I will keep the hope of having better days …!

Zainab

02.04.2024

München