I have been thinking all day long about this, if i should open up about all what i think about without having any fear , Anxiety or even shame in discussing this openly or just keeping it to myself ! At the end i think it is a sensitive topic in many cultures and although i am tipping all those letters now from munich , Germany, a different culture & Where the majority of people here might have a very different opinion to mine, but what I want to talk about here is only my experience of being raised up in a different Culture and the “struggles” sometimes this topic might bring with even here, and mainly to me !. At the end of the day, there are many immigrants world wide were some of them prefer to carry with their own traits and believes despite the fact they are being wonderfully integrated in this new culture, the one that i myself chose to be part of it despite knowing all the diversities in it. others though might just want to choose a new path or lifestyle and practice their own freedom of thoughts and being liberated in practicing whatever they want to do.

What i should also mention here, despite the anxiety, i feel wonderfully comfortable writing about it knowing i am in a less “judgmental” environment when it comes to this issue, i can write and express my thoughts knowing, the only people who might actually judge, are the ones from my own background. Not all of them, but maybe many !

Do not feel surprised, I cannot refer to it directly and it has to remain “it” because for some “it” is a Taboo to discuss it openly without knowing there might be many consequences to “it” and accusations, specially if unmarried girl spoke about “it” , the shame and the dishonor is greater than what someone could imagine. It is always good to not speak about “it” and just know “it” is just a normal concept in life to live and conceive etc.

That is how i were taught about “it” because i never knew at the first place what was “it” and you will not believe me if i say i knew accidentally about “it” in a book at the age of 18 and started to get more infos in internet to know all the myths about “it” , having adequate family education about “it” is inappropriate because, They, whoever they, they think the more a girl is eye blinded the more honorable she is and she is having a good reputation and that leads her to find a good man and have a good life etc.

The reality though is something else, despite the fact that there are many families trying to embrace their girls with a good education about all the myths that comes with “it” and normalizing “it” by delivering accurate facts not only to their girls but also to their boys, because in my opinion, they both should be going through the same strict cultural lines of what is Okay and what is not, but there are also many families having a huge gap in education ,wrong way of thinking, or even wrongly inherited believes and practices. It is very hard to deal with the latest ones, because standing alone against people with fluctuating opinions in making what sounded earlier to someone wrong,Okay to the other, not sure why, but maybe because they want benefits from certain situation, this makes someone doubting themselves about: firstly, what is even wrong or right, and secondly, if they have been honest about all those parts from their past they were sharing with others.

The reactions sometimes when it comes to mentioning “it” are very extreme. Disrespectful, not well raised, dishonored … etc. & Physical abuse is a good method to them (some), in trying to stop all the conversation or whatever was the occasion of mentioning “it” .

Such a fear would lead many girls and boys in practicing all those forbidden secretly…throwing stones on the way is easier than finding real solutions, sometimes, even the real solutions themselves are not working out, because all the pillars of creating a healthy personality are destroyed, it is very hard to control.

I, on the other hand, were raised up in a strickt environment, not only the fear that stopped me from being wild, running out of the house, being in an affair or prohibited relationship “according to them”etc. but also, I, due to the fact of me being alone most of my time, the only way for me to get out of my unbearable loneliness was to engage heavily in deepening my religious thoughts in a moderate way, with that i mean, excessive reading in Internet etc. It seemed Okay till I came accidentally across an article saying , excessive religious practicing sometimes could be a sign of some unhealthy mental disturbtion or extreme loneliness ! I knew i were lonely most of the time, yet, i had a firm way of believing that prevented me from crossing what i thought i should not cross. Honestly, a part of me also wanted to do that openly and practice my religion in the presence of some of my family members, just to have their approvals of me being a good girl! I honestly feared the punishments or more, the unnecessary gossip that might come with all of “it”. I wanted always to be perfectionist and avoid all the gossips.

In most of the Arab, Asian and many of the muslims cultures, staying a virgin is no choice, but a part of it.

The stress that come with all of this though is uneasy, because those cultures are not un infallible to mistakes ! Many of them, specially women, when they try to destroy each others, they do it easily by ruining up the reputation of a girl and accuse her with false acts or lies. I will not go deep in mentioning how some of them practice all the prohibited things secretly and go out and act so “religious”! Not to mention the ones who put their own “definitions” of whom is dirty and whom is clean !

As a simple person, I see cleanliness in saying the truth, being accurate, keeping promises, taking actions in stopping injustice, being honest,faithful, straightforward, and fair.

I have been here since too long, long enough to know it is my choice in keeping “it” the way it is. And being very confident about what I am saying, I have never been in an intimate relationship, I am virgin !

The accusations, the lies, the mistrust, the doubts, the hints etc. , also before calling someone with the word “whore”, has been too much for me! , I though stood firm against all of this, I always believed that actions speak louder than words! I never had tantrums or anger about me being accused of sth i never did because i am sure about myself. I do not accept being accused of doing any kind of according to my believes unacceptable acts, I have never been intimately touched, wether from strangers or even relatives. Never been married or even engaged, I will fight hard in defending my choice of keeping sth intact also when i had all the chances of breaking it without consenting anyone. I know, standing alone in defending myself is uneasy, I though will make sure to defend myself with everything i have, wether legally or physically or verbally or what is so ever despite all the consequences that might cause. Despite i am free women in making choices here in a free country, but I will make sure to take appropriate actions against whoever trying to mention this matter, and here i am talking about family and relatives. I have distanced myself awhile ago from all of you, I never want to be mentioned from you, never interested in having any contact with you, that relationship was broken awhile ago since ever the day my father died and even before his death. I will keep walking with a head up knowing i did all my best in keeping myself intact, not from strangers, but mainly from : you!

Zainab

01.04.2023

München