I feel like it has been “chronic” … if you cannot do anything about it then you just need to go with it … !.

This sounds more like a saying , or common sense , or just something i came up with here … people sometimes do good in “going with something” , like illness, distressful situations, financial difficulties, leaving behind loved ones and moving somewhere else, etc! The examples are many ! I though on other other hands cannot find comfort in “just going with it” , i tried to find my own ways of dealing with it. First, I asked directly : if there was , If it is still there, if it can be removed, I NEED HELP ! For god sake, i kept repeating my words over & over & over again constantly since 2020! I do not want to remember the Trauma , or the sudden realization … I honestly do not know how i even realized in the first place there were even something, or things !. I remember though there was a sudden voice inside of me telling me there is something, i realized it was there … what was more traumatizing … people around me knew there were “Things” … !

It took me too long to prove my doubts 100% ! It was hard to trust, knowing they will keep lying ! , my brain was doing overthinking constantly and as a mechanism to cope with all the unexplained doubts and the untruthful answered questions … keeping the curtains closed was the correct thing to do back then, i thought, they do not dare to capture photos of me walking around with my mini leggings or running on a treadmill late on night, the Drone! Might be somewhere out in the streets or even the Balcony! No one dare to do that … August 2021 ! Another sudden realization hit so hard ! Sometimes i think, if god send angels to those who suffer to tell them about the hardships they go through, or is it just a satanic way of thinking, or just a common sense ! Either way, whatever i realized back at that time, it was correct!

I remember, August 2021, i sat 5 days without moving, or talking, or even taking a shower, just staring at the Tv , staring through the Tv ..! Have you ever stared through something? When your mind keep thinking about something but your eyes are fixed on something else? It was Summer, very hot and humid in the Emirates around that time, on the Tv there were the olympics, i kept staring through them , for days … and nights … the Sofa was my favorite place, and the Balcony seemed to be a good spot to stare at the outside … i am waiting, of the unknown, i have no plans, and i cannot even speak, traumatized, many things obviously happened , no friends were caring, not the ones i thought they should have, and it was just happening … i realized then, my way of dealing with my doubts were not ideal ! , no curtains need to be closed … as much as i internally felt secure, it was the most insecure thing to do, i am exposed more than what i think , in the most unexpected and intimated places !

My stress were getting more and more everyday … if the curtains were not doing the job, then let us just keep the place dark ! , no lights, they cannot see me with lights … opps ! , that does not work as well …

Almost 3 years later, taking planes to ask randoms to marry me did not work as well, it was though the most wild thing to do among all of this, i never thought, not once in my live, i could have ask someone to marry me, or even engage me, to help me from extremely distressful situation, how can that even work in the first place ? my brain though still trying to find ways of dealing with all those unexplained doubts, i cannot even remember the first day when i decided to throw my top somewhere and walk around with Sporty bra, yes! They do not dare to capture my photos like this, the stress is less, i can be more like myself without thinking what people might think when they see me, I am not entertaining content to others, I honestly think it was the stupidest thing though to do, because somehow my brain think, if they dare to publish photos of me with sport bra they for sure cannot do it with me wearing something more revealing ! … i think i should not go deep in explaining how i think about this !ENOUGH! , i cannot keep going with all of those uncertainties in what might correct and what might be wrong, i cannot keep making theories and believing them … because my thoughts might not be even correct in the first place … My God, the exhaustion is extreme … But!, my brain never want to stop or let go ! Here is another way, what about laying in bed all day long and be covered with a heavy duvet … this sound more secure than all of what you have been doing above !, but No, we are not leaving you alone, who are you in the first place?!, yes i asked you, whoever you are ! you who for some reasons seem to have so extra time, having nothing else to do in your life rather than stalking me in everything i do, since 2020! , Surprise, you think you found a solution? What about having paranoidal thoughts about the front and back cameras of your iphone being opened all the time ?, your simplest reactions to all those random memes, or smiles, also under your secure duvet, are being controlled and watched? , just keep thinking about it till you get crazy, because no one cares, you need to pay attention to your words toward them, but they need to live their lives to the fullest, even though if you have the option, you could throw them all in prison with no regret or even feeling sorry …

The trip was long, i took my decision, days will go very slow till i will get there , “ich komme sofort … ich komme in 2 minuten” Okay … it has been 1 year ! You did not come, maybe it should have been me who needs to insist and take a firm decision despite the consequences … i am disturbed by the fact how sensitive i am toward things: people or places … a simple photo, scent, or even a date could evoke endless memories and flashbacks in me, i am doing good though, as usual … writing and wondering, today though i decided to break my Anxiety and fear … let us put a top on and walk around, i know, it is very uncomfortable to act myself in the presence of others!, you people are like a paranormal activities to me, you do not exist physically in the same place where i live but you freak the hell out of me … I have more to say, but as usual ,the weekly dose of writing to satisfy my addiction is enough .. i feel good … still wondering how long it might still take …

Zainab

29.03.2024

19 Ramadan

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