I counted till 100 before writing this “Article?” Or whatever an appropriate word it should carry!

I am trying to have self control as much as i can, usually, sharing daily work routine details or small infos among people is something usual, specially among family members or friends. It is just a normal thing to do without even thinking about it … I though on the other hands have been sharing too much infos per Social media. I am honestly not so fond about doing so, but i like at the same time writing and enjoy doing it as a hobby as long as i Know it is within the normal boundaries of the healthy relationships without causing any distress, misunderstanding,unpleasant feelings or discomfort to the recipient of my texts, messages or even the indirect “Articles” I am writing, just like this one …

In the last three years my circle of friends were getting smaller and smaller . I , for some unknown reasons, do not enjoy going out anymore with friends or even making new friends unless if it is a work thing, to keep a healthy work relationship with others. Talking about work, for me work is more like about pushing myself out of my comfort zone and keeping my mind busy to stop my overthinking and also, get to know the beautiful diverse differences in many places while contributing by being part of this or that team!!!.work for me is about producing rather than sitting on a chair to play with my own phone or … well, i guess we have honestly many examples for that in life !

There are certain days in the week that give me extra shot of Dopamine, i enjoy those days a lot despite my “not to fill with many tasks” remaining hours of the day! Wednesday are like a shot of patience to keep doing by reminding myself :Okay,we are in the middle of this marathon … and there is nothing more joyful than Fridays to remember it is finally the end of the week to enjoy all those plans ahead …

Since last December, this routine was disturbed … and hence, I felt extremely insecure in making conversations with others and hated doing it as much as i hate explaining myself right now without knowing why, rather than, i have the urge to write and feel like doing it !

Here i am again counting to 100 … trying to have self control !

In my process of doing therapy, i learned to have more self control … as much as it sound sometimes hard to be harsh on myself to think before taking decisions rather than being spontaneous or very reactive, but it is a good thing to practice every now and awhile , I am though being very self controlled and proud about it recently !

I am also trying to focus on the positives rather than remembering the negatives…..Somewhere in 10 years i will definitely look back at all those small vivid memories and remember the laughs rather than the long unexplained side eyes, the sweet good mornings rather than the few huffs, the warm detailed explaining of a simple question rather than the “i do not know” or the misleading answers. the “we should do that together” rather than “it does not belong to us … someone else should do it”, … the examples to that are endless as well,

Dear Lee, You told me to address you my messages & letters! Thank you for the support in my sessions despite me breaking all the “Normal” boundaries and causing you unnecessary stress during my treatment … i never had previously till now any intentions of attending a place thinking i am only here to seek my potential partner…or having a long term goals in grasping sth or even setting plans ! i never had this idea in mind despite all the normal attractions someone might feel to others in their presence … with you though it was different, it was more like an eager to change or wiliness to take things seriously because of certain motivations , i was so open about everything with you in my treatment and it helped me in reflecting my actions … consider this as an apology to sth was never done mistakenly at the first place!

I thought about writing here to let you know more about the positive things rather than focusing on all those negatives in my previous emails …!

But honestly, despite it is almost 03:07 Am , and i can barely open my eyes to text, and weirdly i have this sudden urge to google formaldehyde to double check my infos … something very random i thought about while playing scenes in my mind from the last week and today… i feel like i will not have a good sleep before finishing this…i feel also like i want to stay a wake and write more and more … but, Thank you for teaching me to put boundaries , also in relationships, something extra that came in the package … , for letting me learn that no exceptions can be made, just like in the business deals..

17:55 pm, I definitely slept yesterday and could not finish this, my first thought when i woke up was, i hope i did not screwe it up yday’s night with too much oversharing or sounding like a weirdo ! It was a bad sleep with continuously dreaming about people i did not meet since ages ! …

Back to my Last point from Yday, (I still cannot get over the deduction of the 2 sessions!), mainly, Thank you for letting me know that not answering is also an answer … I am now more aware of not running behind hopes or giving excuses to others with the hope of “it might happen somewhen …”

Zainab

23.03.24

München