„Very Complicated to explain“ seems to be the easiest sentence to use in order to end a “going to nowhere”conversation or justify a “blurry” situation … people ! Never take my advices or my words, my English is more broken than my own heart and feelings, using very basic sentences is easier than digging deep or playing with words … but honestly & without doubts, it is indeed “Very complicated to explain” …

Lately, I have been experiencing a very weird to explain feelings, me, the one who thought i could stand against mountains of difficulties without complaining, i can do everything by myself, me , the Superwomen in me, was getting though triggered easily lately, she was acting more like a fragile Barbie than a mature superwomen, those Stress triggers were manifested as extrem unexplained fear at nights , to nausea and headaches, to feeling numb and careless, to having unexplained euphoria, and at certain days, extreme depression … No people, I am not Bipolar, and not having schizophrenia !

If i could write a book using different and unique synonyms than my simple words, i could actually be the Shakespeare to my own fans … Yes, The invisible ones, the ones behind the small screen of my phone … Hi all … can you see me now laying on my bed writing ? Wait , i need to bend over to turn off the heater, opps, extra skin were showing, or maybe even a cleavage, unintentionally … unintentionally you perverts !

I woke up feeling aimless, my jaws are hurting me so much, it look as if it is easier for my stress to punish me by clinching them together with all the force i have unintentionally while sleeping, my Stress love playing games with me, if not my jaws are the target then let us have unexplained diarrhea or even Constipation … what about an eye infection or maybe neck pain ?… let us though keep the digestive system always the goal, as long as she is in pain that is Okay, what ? masturbation to relieve your stress … ! You sick and crazy ! Go find yourself someone who is able to tolerate your shit and problems! … a good scenario i imagined between me and my stress. I swear to god, if my Stress was a man he would be my best friend and i would marry him immediately ! That’s not the case though in real life, because somehow he keeps acting as a sick wise man and keep targeting my digestive system ! Very complicated to deal with …

My Stress got also extremely triggered today, it is unbelievable how things could be buried deep down in the deepest parts of our brains like a vivid memory, the simplest reminder could evoke a non stop flow of flashbacks and feelings, just like what happened today, hearing voice notes and messages were not a good thing to do, i wish i could speak straightforward about all those feelings, but, i have never listened to sth and thought, it all now make sense, all the pieces are forming the bigger Image of the puzzle, you do not wish me good, neither you are on my side, you are nothing but an enemy, with no molars or even Values … my stress got extremely offended today and decided to punish my „Tummy“ again !

I can imagine him, My stress, also as a caring man, i mean, having nausea or throwing up is a good signal to alarm myself about something is wrong and i should try to take actions and stand up for me. Sometimes though i do not understand him, it seems as if he is waiting of me to act and i am waiting of him to alarm me and we both are there waiting and not sure how to resolve this problem ! The core issue is : We both know there is a problem !

Dear Stress, i am so lazy when it comes to taking care of my own self, small signals for me mean nothing, i can go along with unexplained nausea or pain for days, weeks or even months … yes ! My pain threshold is above the average capability of a normal human being . Do not ask because i do not wish you to be there, nothing hurt more than being sensitive and hurt your own feelings and not standing up to yourself by telling people : You are wrong or draw lines or even putting strict boundaries ! I wish you though will not surprise me and act out of a sudden , Dear Stress, i am alone, and i have priorities ! You will not pay my rent or my private expenses, neither you will carry me of i faint to the nearest hospital in the town! Dear Stress, please stay realistic and let me just live my own life despite the struggles , I am not here to please your own feelings, i know you are here to help me taking care of myself, not though the other way around! Dear Stress, like every other girl in my age. Let me have just a peace of mind …

Zainab

11.03.24 München